An Oath of Fealty

I, Ovaltine IV, Sovereign Emperor of All Chocolate, and Holy Defender of the Dessert Realms, hereby decree that all citizens must kneel and swear their allegiance to the One True Chocolate.

I realize that this is not an oath to be taken lightly. Some may find it personally demeaning to kneel or bow to anyone or anything. Women in particular may be resistant to worship The Living Chocolate, as the popular media has frequently portrayed them as maniacally dependent on chocolate, apparently losing all self control upon visual confirmation of a Cadbury’s Creme Egg or sentient M&M in the vicinity.

Yet I believe that this depiction, as absurd as it is, only exists because of a true emotional connection that links all people, male and female, young and old, to the luxury of that Greatest of All Desserts.

For luxury is something we need as a species. Even in times of great strife and desperation, humans have sought comfort and satisfaction, if only in small amounts. A hot fudge-bath after a long day, a solid-gold-cup of hot cocoa by the fire on a cold, snowy night, a sensual massage administered by a Registered Swede—all of these remind us of our own value, and give us the perspective to carry on.

And so it is that I ask all peoples of the realm: men, women, children, aunts, uncles, cousins…even the Dwarves and Giants of Chocland and the Chocolate Elves* of the woodland kingdoms, to kneel before your One True Emperor.

Kneel, and bask in the Brown Glory!

Untold rewards await you




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