The Grand Tour

Once every year, I lay down the Royal Sceptre, shed my crown and Imperial Finery, and leave the bounds of the Dessert Realms to walk the mortal world disguised as a commoner in an attempt to get a feel for the “regular people” and catch a glimpse of “everyday life”.

I’m fascinated by the cultural differences of the many Duchies and Prefectures of your mortal realms. For example, did you know that in the nation of China, chicken feet are considered a delicacy, while in America, the bird’s ANUS is highly prized?

The same holds true with chocolate. Though enjoyed by all cultures, methods of consumption vary from region to region. For example, the Americans take big bites of their chocolate bars, chewing vigorously—enjoying the rush of high-volume luxury, whereas Europeans tend to savor their confections for longer periods of time, letting it melt in the mouth—sucking and rolling it around, swirling it like a fine wine.

So which style do you favor? American, European, or something completely different?

Comments are open!


In the Dessert Realms, only Wizards, Alchemists, and the fabled Chocomancers have the power to transform the physical properties of matter—liquid to solid, milk to dark, peanut to regular, etc…

Yet that is precisely what Christy Denney, The Girl Who Ate Everything, has done here. She has used her arcane dessert knowledge to transform hot chocolate into cookies!


Perhaps she should join Chocland’s infamous Alchemists guild, who have been known to magically turn ordinary chocolate into gold currency.

It’s a Hanukkah miracle!

An Oath of Fealty

I, Ovaltine IV, Sovereign Emperor of All Chocolate, and Holy Defender of the Dessert Realms, hereby decree that all citizens must kneel and swear their allegiance to the One True Chocolate.

I realize that this is not an oath to be taken lightly. Some may find it personally demeaning to kneel or bow to anyone or anything. Women in particular may be resistant to worship The Living Chocolate, as the popular media has frequently portrayed them as maniacally dependent on chocolate, apparently losing all self control upon visual confirmation of a Cadbury’s Creme Egg or sentient M&M in the vicinity.

Yet I believe that this depiction, as absurd as it is, only exists because of a true emotional connection that links all people, male and female, young and old, to the luxury of that Greatest of All Desserts.

For luxury is something we need as a species. Even in times of great strife and desperation, humans have sought comfort and satisfaction, if only in small amounts. A hot fudge-bath after a long day, a solid-gold-cup of hot cocoa by the fire on a cold, snowy night, a sensual massage administered by a Registered Swede—all of these remind us of our own value, and give us the perspective to carry on.

And so it is that I ask all peoples of the realm: men, women, children, aunts, uncles, cousins…even the Dwarves and Giants of Chocland and the Chocolate Elves* of the woodland kingdoms, to kneel before your One True Emperor.

Kneel, and bask in the Brown Glory!

Untold rewards await you



Ready Yourselves for Unspeakable Luxury!

Loyal subjects…

We have created this “Imperial Web Log” for one reason, and one reason alone: To spread The Divine Message to all the (English speaking) peoples of the world!

You shall not find “Chocolate-Flavored” Candy on this Royal Blog, nor shall you find “Cocoa-Inspired Funny-Powders” or “Carob-Themed Delights” (Arrgh! Don’t even get me started on the Earl of Carob, that would-be usurper!).

Nay, my children. You will find here only True Chocolate of the Finest Indulgence! For those keeping score, that’s Indulgence Level 7 or higher on the Stewart-Garten scale.

Now go forth, my children! Go and spread word of this great and wonderful news! Fly to all corners of the realm…tell the young children, the loving mothers, the proud fathers, the elderly and the infirm, the migrant workers who toil daily in the subterranean sugar mines, the bakers, the twizzlers, the Swedish Fish-ermen, …tell them all that they may now bask freely in the healing brown light of The One True Chocolate!

Prepare yourselves for Unspeakable Luxury…