The Jack of Grills

The other day, a peasant begged audience with me to plead for a boon. As he knelt trembling before the throne, I noticed his mouth was in a sorry state.

Many of his teeth were broken, and a great many more were missing altogether. He explained, via his decimated grill, that he has a deep love for chocolate-dipped frozen bananas, and has been eating them by the wheelbarrowful for most of his life, despite the horrendous damage the rock-hard treats were doing to his teeth.

I recommended this recipe for Chocolate Banana Bread from Elise at SimplyRecipes.com as an ameliorant.

“Resist the urge to add walnuts, for safety’s sake,” I cautioned.

He thanked me and bowed deeply, praising my magnanimity with what was left of his jacked-up face-hole. He swore to use the recipe to bake me a loaf large enough to use as a mattress.

“A kingly gift,” I said, “but again…the walnuts.”

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Chocolate in Savory Dishes, Part 2: Chili

Texas Hospitality is a thing of legend, or so it’s said. Personally, I don’t see how it could compare to the hospitality of the Royal Household Staff at Chocland’s Imperial Palace. Their elite “Pamper-Squad” has been known to pipe-and-slipperize a grown man in under 3.5 seconds!

But perhaps they could learn something here. For what guest wouldn’t like to be presented with a hearty, piping-hot bowl of “Texas Red”?

Or “Brown,” in this case, I guess…

CHILI:

That’s right, it’s Chocolate Chili! A flavor so fine, it’ll make you “nudge your spouse into an embankment,” to borrow a phrase from the common folk.

And in an unusual twist, this particular Texas-style chili comes to us straight from New York City!

NEW YORK CITY?! Fuggeddaboutit!

Delightful.

NEW YORK TIMES RECIPE FOR TEXAS-STYLE CHILI

The Penalty for Treason is Death!

The Earl of Carob…where to begin?

The Earl is a piteous man. A weak man. A disturbed man.

I realize the Imperial Throne of Chocland is the pinnacle of perfection, and many will fritter away their idle hours imagining themselves seated upon its cocoa-dusted cushions…but never has a subject desired, nay, COVETED the seat as bitterly as the Earl of Carob.

His bizarre line of ersatz chocolate products and reams of false promises claiming to simulate the flavor of Chocolate (in some cases, against all reason, claiming SUPERIORITY over chocolate! The audacity!) seems never to reach an end.

Treason of this nature is considered a crime of the highest order in the Dessert Realms, and would be strictly enforced (indeed Our advisors have counseled Us to punish the Earl most severely) were it not for the pathetic nature of these sad, tired crimes and the hopelessness of their delusional architect.

To think that lowly carob could ever replace the Divine Luxury of The True Chocolate, well, that’s just…embarrassing.

And so, once more, pity stays Our Royal Hand. The executioner returns to his dungeon, or wherever it is he sleeps*, and the Earl of Carob yet lives.

We forgive, as is our duty…

But We shall not forget.

 

*(Some kind of barracks, maybe?)

Diplomacy in Action!

I recently attended a summit meeting with the President of Coffee and the Duchess of Mint at the Duchess’ palatial mountaintop estate in the Andes.

As we strolled through her many courtyards and mentholated gardens, we spoke of a great many topics, including how to combine the resources of our three separate domains to further the causes of luxury and indulgence. After much deliberation, and many 64-oz solid-gold tankards of Peppermint Mocha Lattes*, we finally decided on the amazing White Chocolate Peppermint Mocha Cookies from Izy Hossack’s outstanding Top With Cinnamon blog.

Thin-Mints-+-White-Chocolate-Peppermint-Mocha-Cookies-111

The cookies were prepared and handed out to each member of the Duchess’ household staff, many of whom later reported experiencing luxury levels of 8.5 or higher on the Stewart/Garten scale.

As for the three of us, The Duchess described the cookies as “Sublime,” while the President gave them two very jittery thumbs-up. I myself, overwhelmed by the spirit of our renewed unity, released four doves to celebrate our alliance.

 

*(difficult to lift, at first!)