The Blackness

Well. It’s Black Friday, and I’m posting this in the afternoon, so I assume there are few of you left alive to read this, most of you being trampled under the hooves of your fellow shoppers in the spirit of the holiday season…

But I bring you today a message not of the pushing and the shoving and the “Hey hey hey!”, but of peace and love!

In fact, I believe we should all stop what we’re doing, and embrace one another with hugs and kisses…

Extravagant kisses.

An Oath of Fealty

I, Ovaltine IV, Sovereign Emperor of All Chocolate, and Holy Defender of the Dessert Realms, hereby decree that all citizens must kneel and swear their allegiance to the One True Chocolate.

I realize that this is not an oath to be taken lightly. Some may find it personally demeaning to kneel or bow to anyone or anything. Women in particular may be resistant to worship The Living Chocolate, as the popular media has frequently portrayed them as maniacally dependent on chocolate, apparently losing all self control upon visual confirmation of a Cadbury’s Creme Egg or sentient M&M in the vicinity.

Yet I believe that this depiction, as absurd as it is, only exists because of a true emotional connection that links all people, male and female, young and old, to the luxury of that Greatest of All Desserts.

For luxury is something we need as a species. Even in times of great strife and desperation, humans have sought comfort and satisfaction, if only in small amounts. A hot fudge-bath after a long day, a solid-gold-cup of hot cocoa by the fire on a cold, snowy night, a sensual massage administered by a Registered Swede—all of these remind us of our own value, and give us the perspective to carry on.

And so it is that I ask all peoples of the realm: men, women, children, aunts, uncles, cousins…even the Dwarves and Giants of Chocland and the Chocolate Elves* of the woodland kingdoms, to kneel before your One True Emperor.

Kneel, and bask in the Brown Glory!

Untold rewards await you



Ready Yourselves for Unspeakable Luxury!

Loyal subjects…

We have created this “Imperial Web Log” for one reason, and one reason alone: To spread The Divine Message to all the (English speaking) peoples of the world!

You shall not find “Chocolate-Flavored” Candy on this Royal Blog, nor shall you find “Cocoa-Inspired Funny-Powders” or “Carob-Themed Delights” (Arrgh! Don’t even get me started on the Earl of Carob, that would-be usurper!).

Nay, my children. You will find here only True Chocolate of the Finest Indulgence! For those keeping score, that’s Indulgence Level 7 or higher on the Stewart-Garten scale.

Now go forth, my children! Go and spread word of this great and wonderful news! Fly to all corners of the realm…tell the young children, the loving mothers, the proud fathers, the elderly and the infirm, the migrant workers who toil daily in the subterranean sugar mines, the bakers, the twizzlers, the Swedish Fish-ermen, …tell them all that they may now bask freely in the healing brown light of The One True Chocolate!

Prepare yourselves for Unspeakable Luxury…

Hear ye! The Imperial Herald Speaks!

Mortals! Attend my words, for you are now in the presence of The Divine!

By Royal Decree, His Imperial Highness Ovaltine IV, Sovereign Emperor of All Chocolate, and Holy Defender of the Dessert Realms, has in his infinite magnanimity granted you, the humble citizens of the internet, by way of this blog, direct audience with The Imperial Personage Himself!

O, glad tidings! O, joyous day!

You have no doubt dropped to your knees in gratitude upon reading this glorious news, your low-born heads bowed in fervent prayer for His Majesty’s continued grace and vitality! His Highness has deemed this response worthy, and has thrice blessed you with his Holy Sceptre of Living Chocolate!

Rise, now, loyal subjects…

Rise, and bask in His Majesty’s brown radiance!

Let the blogging commence!