The Tongue Don’t Lie!

The most flavorful tomato in the world? The Chocolate drop tomato, of course!

Now, before you protest, yes I realize there’s no actual chocolate in play here besides then name…but names can hold great power. Just ask Snoop Lion, or Benneton Cumberman!

Anyway, the flavor profile of the tomato is exquisite, and pairs well with a sparkling white.



The Enrobening

“So, what does an Emperor wear?” you ask.

As you may already know, I, the Imperial Person, am mechanically enrobed each morning in Liquid Chocolate of the highest quality.

“What is Enrobing?” you continue…

Well, Mr-or-Mrs Asking-a-lot-of-questions, I shall endeavor to explain:

Like many of Our Realm’s myriad chocolate delights, I am placed onto a dwarven-built mechanical device known as a “conveyor belt,” which carries me at a steady speed through a “waterfall” of pure liquid chocolate, which hardens upon standing.

This outer casing gives me an armor-like protective shell, in addition to a bold, sleek look, glowing with Imperial Grandeur and 1970s realness!

Of course I may choose to enrobe myself in different styles of chocolate for various Royal Occasions—White Chocolate for a baptism or public address, Dark for matters of state, Bittersweet for funerals, and so on…*

Our royal Head and Hands, of course, are covered by protective wax-paper during the process, which is afterword given to a young peasant of the realm who is either injured, or suffering from some type of ailment.**

One can not help but be moved by the sheer delight on the faces of the impoverished children as they peel off the hardened, hollow, head-sized coating of Imperial Chocolate from the wax-paper, and greedily scarf it down (or slowly savor it, as their own individual personalities would dictate), their wounds instantly healed by ingestion of the divine shell, and their sad, trademarked illnesses abated.

And that’s enrobing!


*(sometimes I have them toss in crispy puffed-rice pieces, “jus’ cuz”!)

**(“skittles,” perhaps, or “mounds”.)

Chocolate in Savory Dishes, Part 2: Chili

Texas Hospitality is a thing of legend, or so it’s said. Personally, I don’t see how it could compare to the hospitality of the Royal Household Staff at Chocland’s Imperial Palace. Their elite “Pamper-Squad” has been known to pipe-and-slipperize a grown man in under 3.5 seconds!

But perhaps they could learn something here. For what guest wouldn’t like to be presented with a hearty, piping-hot bowl of “Texas Red”?

Or “Brown,” in this case, I guess…


That’s right, it’s Chocolate Chili! A flavor so fine, it’ll make you “nudge your spouse into an embankment,” to borrow a phrase from the common folk.

And in an unusual twist, this particular Texas-style chili comes to us straight from New York City!

NEW YORK CITY?! Fuggeddaboutit!



Chocolate in Savory Dishes, Part 1: Mole

While lounging on the Imperial Veranda, or luxuriating in my absurd tub, I’ve often pondered the place of Chocolate within the larger food world. Sure, Chocolate is the King of Sweets, and its dessert applications are infinite, but what about life outside the Dessert Realms. What about chocolate for dinner?

No, I don’t mean dipping a Kit-kat into a bowl of salmon mousse, or using two Hershey bars as the bread in a Reuben sandwich, I mean honest-to-goodness REAL savory chocolate dishes.

Let the ringing of the dinner bell commence!


Ahhh, the Mexicans! A people who truly appreciate the importance of flavor—and chocolate! Why, it’s common knowledge that the Mayans and the Aztecs cultivated cacao on North American soil centuries before the Europeans arrived. Mexico might even rightly be called the Birthplace of Chocolate. And nowhere does it have a more complex-yet-elegant savory application than in the king of all Mexican sauces: Mole!

Mole has many variants: red, brown, green, black…some richer, some spicier, even some without chocolate (Treason!). As a nearly inexhaustible subject, I’ve narrowed it down to two fantastic examples, to provide just a peek into the rich world of mole—two recipes by chefs Rick Bayless and Bobby Flay…THE TWO MOST MEXICAN PEOPLE ALIVE!!!

Rick Bayless’s Oaxacan Black Mole Recipe

Bobby Flay’s Poached Eggs in Mole with Creamy Green Rice