The Enrobening

“So, what does an Emperor wear?” you ask.

As you may already know, I, the Imperial Person, am mechanically enrobed each morning in Liquid Chocolate of the highest quality.

“What is Enrobing?” you continue…

Well, Mr-or-Mrs Asking-a-lot-of-questions, I shall endeavor to explain:

Like many of Our Realm’s myriad chocolate delights, I am placed onto a dwarven-built mechanical device known as a “conveyor belt,” which carries me at a steady speed through a “waterfall” of pure liquid chocolate, which hardens upon standing.

This outer casing gives me an armor-like protective shell, in addition to a bold, sleek look, glowing with Imperial Grandeur and 1970s realness!

Of course I may choose to enrobe myself in different styles of chocolate for various Royal Occasions—White Chocolate for a baptism or public address, Dark for matters of state, Bittersweet for funerals, and so on…*

Our royal Head and Hands, of course, are covered by protective wax-paper during the process, which is afterword given to a young peasant of the realm who is either injured, or suffering from some type of ailment.**

One can not help but be moved by the sheer delight on the faces of the impoverished children as they peel off the hardened, hollow, head-sized coating of Imperial Chocolate from the wax-paper, and greedily scarf it down (or slowly savor it, as their own individual personalities would dictate), their wounds instantly healed by ingestion of the divine shell, and their sad, trademarked illnesses abated.

And that’s enrobing!


*(sometimes I have them toss in crispy puffed-rice pieces, “jus’ cuz”!)

**(“skittles,” perhaps, or “mounds”.)


The Jack of Grills

The other day, a peasant begged audience with me to plead for a boon. As he knelt trembling before the throne, I noticed his mouth was in a sorry state.

Many of his teeth were broken, and a great many more were missing altogether. He explained, via his decimated grill, that he has a deep love for chocolate-dipped frozen bananas, and has been eating them by the wheelbarrowful for most of his life, despite the horrendous damage the rock-hard treats were doing to his teeth.

I recommended this recipe for Chocolate Banana Bread from Elise at as an ameliorant.

“Resist the urge to add walnuts, for safety’s sake,” I cautioned.

He thanked me and bowed deeply, praising my magnanimity with what was left of his jacked-up face-hole. He swore to use the recipe to bake me a loaf large enough to use as a mattress.

“A kingly gift,” I said, “but again…the walnuts.”

The Penalty for Treason is Death!

The Earl of Carob…where to begin?

The Earl is a piteous man. A weak man. A disturbed man.

I realize the Imperial Throne of Chocland is the pinnacle of perfection, and many will fritter away their idle hours imagining themselves seated upon its cocoa-dusted cushions…but never has a subject desired, nay, COVETED the seat as bitterly as the Earl of Carob.

His bizarre line of ersatz chocolate products and reams of false promises claiming to simulate the flavor of Chocolate (in some cases, against all reason, claiming SUPERIORITY over chocolate! The audacity!) seems never to reach an end.

Treason of this nature is considered a crime of the highest order in the Dessert Realms, and would be strictly enforced (indeed Our advisors have counseled Us to punish the Earl most severely) were it not for the pathetic nature of these sad, tired crimes and the hopelessness of their delusional architect.

To think that lowly carob could ever replace the Divine Luxury of The True Chocolate, well, that’s just…embarrassing.

And so, once more, pity stays Our Royal Hand. The executioner returns to his dungeon, or wherever it is he sleeps*, and the Earl of Carob yet lives.

We forgive, as is our duty…

But We shall not forget.


*(Some kind of barracks, maybe?)

Diplomacy in Action!

I recently attended a summit meeting with the President of Coffee and the Duchess of Mint at the Duchess’ palatial mountaintop estate in the Andes.

As we strolled through her many courtyards and mentholated gardens, we spoke of a great many topics, including how to combine the resources of our three separate domains to further the causes of luxury and indulgence. After much deliberation, and many 64-oz solid-gold tankards of Peppermint Mocha Lattes*, we finally decided on the amazing White Chocolate Peppermint Mocha Cookies from Izy Hossack’s outstanding Top With Cinnamon blog.


The cookies were prepared and handed out to each member of the Duchess’ household staff, many of whom later reported experiencing luxury levels of 8.5 or higher on the Stewart/Garten scale.

As for the three of us, The Duchess described the cookies as “Sublime,” while the President gave them two very jittery thumbs-up. I myself, overwhelmed by the spirit of our renewed unity, released four doves to celebrate our alliance.


*(difficult to lift, at first!)